United Airlines, or Kafka's The Trial Minus The Efficiency And Humor
An open letter to United Airlines,
I have had trouble with United Airlines in the past, but simple logic says that all airlines have problems and it's unreasonable to assume that a handful of anecdotal personal stories constitute a statistically significant difference in Fucking You Over. After all, I've had problems with other airlines. Sure, I've had them more frequently with United, and they're more severe, and United seems to have a certain indefinably sadistic bent, but what the hell? It can't actually be that much worse can it? With this in mind, I reluctantly booked a flight on United because they had the cheapest flights on the days that I needed to fly.
I booked a round trip flight to Montreal from Knoxville, TN, with connections in Chicago on both legs the trip. That's four total flights. Here is a list of those four flights on which United Airlines successfully transported me:
[This space intentionally left blank]
The first flight was cancelled after we boarded the plane (a few hours earlier than we originally booked it, but it was changed so many times I cannot remember exactly how much time) and the pilot informed us there were maintenance problems. Before canceling the flight, United's crack maintenance crew did attempt to fix the problem via, I shit you not, turning the plane on and off again (as the pilot told us while explaining why the lights were going on and off). Somewhere else in the universe, a $40 router magically starting working, but United's plane remained grounded. So now the flight was cancelled and a plane full of people are trying to get to where they were going. One person eventually showed up and VERY SLOWLY began rebooking flights. No one showed up to tell us where to call. Luckily we've been through this before and knew the personnel at the desk are invariable TOTALLY HELPLESS. My sister calls and they inform her that (a) they cannot get us on a flight to make our connection (b) they have no alternate connections. How would we feel about flying tomorrow and wasting a day of our vacation not to mention the money we paid for a hotel?
This option sounds, how do you say, shitty, so instead, we - NOT UNITED AIRLINES MIND YOU - suggest making a connection on another airline. The person on the phone magically realizes that YES THEY CAN DO THIS. Keep this in mind if you deal with these assholes: they CAN book you on flights on other airlines, but if you ask them if there is anything they can do they will say NO. YOU MUST EXPLICITLY SUGGEST THE SOLUTION TO YOUR PROBLEM. United Airlines is not capable of suggesting solutions to your problems. As far as they know, you're just fucked. Hell, you booked a flight on their airline. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING YOU IDIOT? Have you considered moving to the city you are stranded in? seems to be the tacit suggestion. So, we take a United Flight to Chicago 8 hours later and get on a flight by a different airline and arrive at our destination. Now, sure, we've been forced to spend an entire day at the airport and it's past midnight when we get to Montreal and nothing is open and we're starving, and sure United Airlines told us to SHOW UP EARLY to make our flight which then NEVER LEFT THE GROUND, but, fuck it, we're here.
NOW:
It is the future, and we're ready to return home. Thanks to the miracle of air travel, Knoxville, TN is a very short 48 hour Kafka-esque nightmare away from Montreal. We arrive for our flight on time, as is our custom. Before we leave, we check the flight status and it is, indeed, on time. Right before the flight is supposed to leave it is, shockingly, delayed. All in all, we counted TWENTY FOUR (24) separate delays on our email account from United from this one day. No delay is more than a few minutes, because god forbid WE BE ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE GATE AREA AND EAT SOME FUCKING FOOD OR HAVE A GODDAMN DRINK. The flight is always LEAVING SHORTLY DON'T GO ANYWHERE. We are shuffled back and forth between gates. Sometimes there is someone there to help us book later connections that we will never ever in a million years make and sometimes there isn't. Sometimes we go to a new gate and sit only to be sent back to the other gate. At one point, we're told we are boarding in 10 minutes, only to be informed that UNITED HAS NO CREW TO FLY THE PLANE. Then we're told the crew is going through customs. Then we're told the crew refuses to board the plane, for reasons that are not made clear. Sometime later the pilot arrives and we're told we don't have a runway. The pilot says he was told the wrong time. At some point, there is no plane. We REPEATEDLY ask the United employees to give us a reasonable assessment of how likely it is that the flight will be cancelled. We are eventually shuffled off to the farthest corner of the airport, where no bar, coffee shop, TV, etc, is within eyesight and told NOT TO GO ANYWHERE. At some point, the pilot walks outside to the plane. We now have three of the most vital components of any flight: a plane, a runway and a pilot. Things are looking up. We're going to be stranded in Chicago, but, hey it's a start.
Alas, it is not to be. The flight is weight restricted. They need three volunteers to fly out tomorrow because they cannot legally transport all of the people they have agreed to transport. Perhaps the entire ordeal was a test to weed out the three least worthy passengers. They must not have counted on the resolve of what I must say was a remarkably friendly and calm group of people. On our way home we were genuinely concerned for some of the very nice people we met, and I really hope everything worked out for them. United offers hotel fare and $300 vouchers to fly out tomorrow. I suggest asking for $300 cash and taking the deal, since the plane probably won't take off anyway. Unfortunately, we realize that, if the flight is cancelled, United WILL NOT HONOR THEIR VOUCHERS. United Airlines: "If we fail completely, it's on you." A short time later the pilot storms out and says loudly to a group of passengers (your humble narrator included) that "the luggage is on the wrong plane and it'll be at least another two hours." One of the people at the gate, an unhelpful little SOB who, theoretically, is supposed to be helping us, gets on the intercom and says, "There is an air traffic control problem and a 30 minute delay." THE LITTLE FUCKER IS LYING TO US. WE KNOW THEY FUCKED UP THE LUGGAGE. IN FACT, MY TRAVELING COMPANION OVERHEARS ONE OF THE OTHER EMPLOYEES SAYING THIS OVER THE PHONE AS WELL. It's ten o'clock and we just want to leave the airport, which we have been at for 13 hours. This is how United works: they won't own up to a mistake and let you leave the airport, they have to pretend that nothing is their fault and leave you in limbo. There is No Exit. Two hours later, the flight is cancelled at midnight. We have all, they tell us, been booked on another flight at 8 am the following morning. NO ONE IS GETTING HOTEL VOUCHERS BECAUSE THE FLIGHT WAS CANCELLED DUE TO WEATHER. This is bullshit of such an unfathomable degree I cannot comprehend it. It is true, in fact, that a number of flights were cancelled due to weather that night, but this doesn't change the fact that at NUMEROUS times during the day we know, for a fact, that we could have left if United hadn't inexplicably botched nearly every aspect of the basic operation of the flight. We have to go back through customs to get our baggage, and, we are told, someone will be there to give us our boarding passes for the next day. The entire plane goes to this area. No one is there to help. Meanwhile, there is a run on hotels as people with cancelled flights look for places to stay. We have to make a flight at 8 am the next morning and we're exhausted from the day. I have not gotten a chance to eat. Our phones don't work because we're abroad. We decide to board a shuttle to a hotel and hope there is a room. Thankfully, there is, as they end up booking up shortly afterwards.
At the hotel, we call to confirm our reservation the following morning, because, for reasons I don't think I need to explain, we are suspicious that things will work out. During the course of a two hour phone call we learn that (a) WE ARE NOT ON A FLIGHT TOMORROW, DESPITE BEING TOLD THAT WE WERE. WE HAVE BEEN LIED TO AGAIN. (b) There are no flights available tomorrow. How would we like to wait another day? Well, fuck, it doesn't matter because a two day delay is all they have. Once again, we, not the PAID AIRLINE EMPLOYEES WHO BOOK PLANE TICKETS, find a flight online the following day at 6 o'clock on another airline. The person on the phone decides to book the flight for us, since we bothered to find it for her. A short hour long wait on hold later we're booked on that flight. No, we will not get hotel vouchers because the flight was due to weather. This is not accurate, we tell the woman on the phone, but she doesn't care. We were also lied to when we were told we had a flight the following morning, we mention. "I have no response," the woman on the phone says. She refuses to take a complaint or compensate us. In fact, she doesn't take complaints. We ask her what the complaint number is and she says there isn't one. We can only fill out a form on the internet and wait a few weeks and hope we are recompensated.
Our two flights the next day on a different airline go smoothly, as United flights are delayed around us. Look I get it, people have bad experiences on every airline in existence. Running an airline is complicated and shit happens. Still: we made none of the four flights we scheduled, and only one of the four flights we did make were on United Airlines.
I have had trouble with United Airlines in the past, but simple logic says that all airlines have problems and it's unreasonable to assume that a handful of anecdotal personal stories constitute a statistically significant difference in Fucking You Over. After all, I've had problems with other airlines. Sure, I've had them more frequently with United, and they're more severe, and United seems to have a certain indefinably sadistic bent, but what the hell? It can't actually be that much worse can it? With this in mind, I reluctantly booked a flight on United because they had the cheapest flights on the days that I needed to fly.
I booked a round trip flight to Montreal from Knoxville, TN, with connections in Chicago on both legs the trip. That's four total flights. Here is a list of those four flights on which United Airlines successfully transported me:
[This space intentionally left blank]
The first flight was cancelled after we boarded the plane (a few hours earlier than we originally booked it, but it was changed so many times I cannot remember exactly how much time) and the pilot informed us there were maintenance problems. Before canceling the flight, United's crack maintenance crew did attempt to fix the problem via, I shit you not, turning the plane on and off again (as the pilot told us while explaining why the lights were going on and off). Somewhere else in the universe, a $40 router magically starting working, but United's plane remained grounded. So now the flight was cancelled and a plane full of people are trying to get to where they were going. One person eventually showed up and VERY SLOWLY began rebooking flights. No one showed up to tell us where to call. Luckily we've been through this before and knew the personnel at the desk are invariable TOTALLY HELPLESS. My sister calls and they inform her that (a) they cannot get us on a flight to make our connection (b) they have no alternate connections. How would we feel about flying tomorrow and wasting a day of our vacation not to mention the money we paid for a hotel?
This option sounds, how do you say, shitty, so instead, we - NOT UNITED AIRLINES MIND YOU - suggest making a connection on another airline. The person on the phone magically realizes that YES THEY CAN DO THIS. Keep this in mind if you deal with these assholes: they CAN book you on flights on other airlines, but if you ask them if there is anything they can do they will say NO. YOU MUST EXPLICITLY SUGGEST THE SOLUTION TO YOUR PROBLEM. United Airlines is not capable of suggesting solutions to your problems. As far as they know, you're just fucked. Hell, you booked a flight on their airline. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING YOU IDIOT? Have you considered moving to the city you are stranded in? seems to be the tacit suggestion. So, we take a United Flight to Chicago 8 hours later and get on a flight by a different airline and arrive at our destination. Now, sure, we've been forced to spend an entire day at the airport and it's past midnight when we get to Montreal and nothing is open and we're starving, and sure United Airlines told us to SHOW UP EARLY to make our flight which then NEVER LEFT THE GROUND, but, fuck it, we're here.
NOW:
It is the future, and we're ready to return home. Thanks to the miracle of air travel, Knoxville, TN is a very short 48 hour Kafka-esque nightmare away from Montreal. We arrive for our flight on time, as is our custom. Before we leave, we check the flight status and it is, indeed, on time. Right before the flight is supposed to leave it is, shockingly, delayed. All in all, we counted TWENTY FOUR (24) separate delays on our email account from United from this one day. No delay is more than a few minutes, because god forbid WE BE ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE GATE AREA AND EAT SOME FUCKING FOOD OR HAVE A GODDAMN DRINK. The flight is always LEAVING SHORTLY DON'T GO ANYWHERE. We are shuffled back and forth between gates. Sometimes there is someone there to help us book later connections that we will never ever in a million years make and sometimes there isn't. Sometimes we go to a new gate and sit only to be sent back to the other gate. At one point, we're told we are boarding in 10 minutes, only to be informed that UNITED HAS NO CREW TO FLY THE PLANE. Then we're told the crew is going through customs. Then we're told the crew refuses to board the plane, for reasons that are not made clear. Sometime later the pilot arrives and we're told we don't have a runway. The pilot says he was told the wrong time. At some point, there is no plane. We REPEATEDLY ask the United employees to give us a reasonable assessment of how likely it is that the flight will be cancelled. We are eventually shuffled off to the farthest corner of the airport, where no bar, coffee shop, TV, etc, is within eyesight and told NOT TO GO ANYWHERE. At some point, the pilot walks outside to the plane. We now have three of the most vital components of any flight: a plane, a runway and a pilot. Things are looking up. We're going to be stranded in Chicago, but, hey it's a start.
Alas, it is not to be. The flight is weight restricted. They need three volunteers to fly out tomorrow because they cannot legally transport all of the people they have agreed to transport. Perhaps the entire ordeal was a test to weed out the three least worthy passengers. They must not have counted on the resolve of what I must say was a remarkably friendly and calm group of people. On our way home we were genuinely concerned for some of the very nice people we met, and I really hope everything worked out for them. United offers hotel fare and $300 vouchers to fly out tomorrow. I suggest asking for $300 cash and taking the deal, since the plane probably won't take off anyway. Unfortunately, we realize that, if the flight is cancelled, United WILL NOT HONOR THEIR VOUCHERS. United Airlines: "If we fail completely, it's on you." A short time later the pilot storms out and says loudly to a group of passengers (your humble narrator included) that "the luggage is on the wrong plane and it'll be at least another two hours." One of the people at the gate, an unhelpful little SOB who, theoretically, is supposed to be helping us, gets on the intercom and says, "There is an air traffic control problem and a 30 minute delay." THE LITTLE FUCKER IS LYING TO US. WE KNOW THEY FUCKED UP THE LUGGAGE. IN FACT, MY TRAVELING COMPANION OVERHEARS ONE OF THE OTHER EMPLOYEES SAYING THIS OVER THE PHONE AS WELL. It's ten o'clock and we just want to leave the airport, which we have been at for 13 hours. This is how United works: they won't own up to a mistake and let you leave the airport, they have to pretend that nothing is their fault and leave you in limbo. There is No Exit. Two hours later, the flight is cancelled at midnight. We have all, they tell us, been booked on another flight at 8 am the following morning. NO ONE IS GETTING HOTEL VOUCHERS BECAUSE THE FLIGHT WAS CANCELLED DUE TO WEATHER. This is bullshit of such an unfathomable degree I cannot comprehend it. It is true, in fact, that a number of flights were cancelled due to weather that night, but this doesn't change the fact that at NUMEROUS times during the day we know, for a fact, that we could have left if United hadn't inexplicably botched nearly every aspect of the basic operation of the flight. We have to go back through customs to get our baggage, and, we are told, someone will be there to give us our boarding passes for the next day. The entire plane goes to this area. No one is there to help. Meanwhile, there is a run on hotels as people with cancelled flights look for places to stay. We have to make a flight at 8 am the next morning and we're exhausted from the day. I have not gotten a chance to eat. Our phones don't work because we're abroad. We decide to board a shuttle to a hotel and hope there is a room. Thankfully, there is, as they end up booking up shortly afterwards.
At the hotel, we call to confirm our reservation the following morning, because, for reasons I don't think I need to explain, we are suspicious that things will work out. During the course of a two hour phone call we learn that (a) WE ARE NOT ON A FLIGHT TOMORROW, DESPITE BEING TOLD THAT WE WERE. WE HAVE BEEN LIED TO AGAIN. (b) There are no flights available tomorrow. How would we like to wait another day? Well, fuck, it doesn't matter because a two day delay is all they have. Once again, we, not the PAID AIRLINE EMPLOYEES WHO BOOK PLANE TICKETS, find a flight online the following day at 6 o'clock on another airline. The person on the phone decides to book the flight for us, since we bothered to find it for her. A short hour long wait on hold later we're booked on that flight. No, we will not get hotel vouchers because the flight was due to weather. This is not accurate, we tell the woman on the phone, but she doesn't care. We were also lied to when we were told we had a flight the following morning, we mention. "I have no response," the woman on the phone says. She refuses to take a complaint or compensate us. In fact, she doesn't take complaints. We ask her what the complaint number is and she says there isn't one. We can only fill out a form on the internet and wait a few weeks and hope we are recompensated.
Our two flights the next day on a different airline go smoothly, as United flights are delayed around us. Look I get it, people have bad experiences on every airline in existence. Running an airline is complicated and shit happens. Still: we made none of the four flights we scheduled, and only one of the four flights we did make were on United Airlines.
WE WERE LIED TO REPEATEDLY
NOT A SINGLE PERSON - AS IN ONE (1) HUMAN BEING - EVER SAID THEY WERE SORRY FOR OUR INCONVENIENCE.
United Airlines is still telling us they are not at fault even though they LOST THEIR PILOT RIGHT AS THE PLANE WAS SUPPOSED TO LEAVE AND HAD TO VACATE THE RUNWAY BECAUSE OF THEIR OWN BLATANT INCOMPETENCE. Not to mention PUT OUR LUGGAGE ON THE WRONG PLANE AND MISSED THEIR CHANCE TO TAKE OFF BEFORE THE WEATHER GOT BAD.
In closing,
Fuck you United, you scum sucking worthless assholes; fuck your dishonest, bullshit excuses; fuck your unhelpful staff, shoddy airplanes, and total disregard for the lives of your customers. May you rot in hell, which I can only assume is a flight on your own crappy airline.
Until such time as justice is served and you suffer for eternity at gate 17, Terminal F in The Ninth Circle of Hell,
Go Fuck Yourself.
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